I recently came to the realization that actually, I’m kind of a badass. And the truth is, you probably are, too!
Let me explain. I’m 42 years old, and like most people, I’ve had my share of trials in life. I’ve gotten knocked down, even knocked out in the game of life, and over time I began to let those things define me. I let those things rob me not only of the past, when they happened, but also let them make me feel disqualified to be anything but defeated today. I felt disqualified to be a good parent, a good wife, and even a daughter of the King. Things had happened, wounds were created, I bled, and the scars remained. And that is where I lived – in the shadow of my scars.
It was a subtle shift over time. But the resulting message I believed about myself is that I’m not worth fighting for. It was a message I learned loud and clear as a child and one I couldn’t shake as an adult. And by 42 I had plenty of “proof” that this was true. Too many people and circumstances in my life had confirmed this for me.
I’d been so tired of feeling rundown, defeated, but I didn’t know how to change. Rather, everything I tried hadn’t worked. I hadn’t yet realized the things that happened in my life didn’t DEFINE me. They are things that happened, but they aren’t who I am. I hadn’t learned to separate the two. I believed that my experiences were who I was. They were what made me – me. And that belief kept me stuck, miserable, depressed, powerless.
Luckily, underneath it all, I had this deep sense that there had to be a way out, a way back to the surface. I’m so thankful for that sense, that belief, because it’s kept me fighting, kept me from giving up. Unfortunately, conventional methods mostly failed me, but I somehow clung to the belief that there *had* to be a way, so I turned to some less conventional methods – things I had no prior experience with – things outside of my comfort zone.
And one of those was meditation.
In my promise to always be transparent I will say I feel like I’m terrible at meditation. I feel like it’s very hard to turn off my mind that lives in overdrive. But I show up and make my best attempt anyway. That being said – and I feel like this sounds crazy – one day recently, the calm, soothing voice on the other end of the meditation was talking about remembering all of the difficult things you’ve lived through. Now, this is always a bit scary to me, and basically something I put a lot of energy into NOT remembering, but I’m committed to finding healing, so I cautiously let myself go there. I started to remember and name my trials. And in that moment of surrender, the strangest thing happened. Instead of being afraid of my past or feeling defeated, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of strength, this feeling of “Wow, I’ve actually lived through a lot!” And with almost a sense of giddiness, my next thought was:
“I’m actually kind of a badass!”
I sat there thinking of all the things I’ve endured and in that moment instead of feeling what I’ve always felt – shame, defeat, self loathing – I felt like a warrior! It was a moment of clarity that said there have been many things in my life attempting to knock me down, devalue me, but I’m still here. I’m still fighting the good fight. And that actually makes me kind of a badass.
Since that day, I haven’t been able to shake that feeling. That mindset flip from helpless victim to badass warrior has been slowly changing everything. It’s helping me see and believe and ACT on the belief that I AM worth fighting for and that there has always been people in my life fighting for me. I was just so blinded by defeat and rejection that I couldn’t see or accept it. I didn’t believe it for myself so I couldn’t receive it from anyone else. It’s not to simplify things and say from that day forward I was healed. But that shift did help me to take the next steps in my healing journey with a new found belief that I am worth the fight. Today. Not if I lose 10 pounds, not “I’ll be worth the fight if this treatment works and I am back to my old self again.” Today. Just as I am.
These days I’m no longer feeling hopeless. This shift in thinking has given me the strength to take control of my life once again. It’s helped me take other steps to fight my way back to the surface, towards total health and wholeness.
They say the mind is a powerful thing, and I’m seeing firsthand how very true this is. Because the truth is nothing changed about my past other than the way I view it. And how I view myself in light of that.
So today I finally wholly believe that I’m worth fighting for, I’m worth standing up for. I no longer feel the need to apologize for merely existing (things like saying “Sorry” when I’m in someone’s way at the store, when what I really need to say is “Excuse me” – I don’t need to apologize for merely being present at the store anymore). Because the truth is, my trials don’t defeat me. They don’t define me – and your trials don’t define or defeat you either. I’m not my worst moment and neither are you. My trials make me stronger- if I’ll let them. If I’ll believe that. And I hope that you, too, will start to see yourself in this new light. I hope that you can find the strength to separate the things that happened in your life from the very person that you are. The world wants to define us by our struggles and our failures. But we’re more than that – We’re warriors who have overcome some serious *stuff* in our lives!
And that makes me kind of a badass, and I bet you are, too!!
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PS I have no knowledge/endorsement about the book in the photo above. Since my recent declaration of being a badass, I’ve literally been seeing that word pop up all over in my life. This past weekend we were at a store and my husband pointed out the book and commented “Hey, here’s a book for you.” I snapped a photo knowing it’d be perfect for this post. 🙂 If you have any knowledge about the book I’d love for you to share. I think it looks like a good one!